After consulting with many of my female friends and family, I have compiled a list of questions us women have had in 2010. The very questions that no one knows the answers to…well except me. And I’m telling it like it is, ladies!
Here we go:
- Dear eyebrow hair, why do you grow everyday? That’s just biology.
- Dear gym, why do you have huge windows so people can see me struggling on the treadmill? So that people walking by feel better about themselves.
- Dear Spanx, why do you cost so much? Because Spanx knows that you’ll dish out the cash to be ‘controlled’
- Dear chivalry, where did you go? Chivalry left us YEARS ago. It had somewhere else to be.
- Dear Twiggy, why did you make skinny women popular? Because she was beautiful. Still a downer.
- Dear Jennifer Hudson and America Ferreira, why did you lose weight and leave your chubby followers behind? Because they have money for a trainer now.
- Dear Half Baked ice cream, when did you replace depression meds? Well, I’m just happy about this one. No further comments.
- Dear vocals, why do you sound so awful if I LOVE to sing? (was this too specific to myself? oops.)
- Dear awesome jobs, why don’t you like my resume? Because your resume sucks.
- Dear shoe fund, why don’t you expand? Because you keep spending it on shoes.
- Dear dark under-eye circles, how much sleep is necessary for you to go away!? 10 years.
- Dear Sex and the City, why can’t you be my life? Because you are not 50 years old with lots of money. Nor do you live in NYC.
- Dear Twilight, how did you get me hooked on you when you were written for 14-year-olds? Um, because vampires are kick-ass! Oh, and so are werewolves.(Team Jacob)
- Submitted by Aunyx: Dear Alessandra, why don’t Applebottoms carry plus sizes? Because they can’t handle us. Technically they carry up to 14, which is a plus size, but as a 16, that doesn’t help me much. Shop Torrid or a DEB Plus.
- Submitted by Julie: Dear Alessandra, why is it that when guys want to lose weight, a 4-pack appears within 2 months? Life is unfair and gave men a better metabolism. Just another clue that God wanted women to be thick.
- Submitted by Lindsey: Dear thin girls, why do you think fat girls want to hear about your “weight issues”? This happens ALL THE TIME! My thin friends are always blabbing, “Oh my God, I’m so huge..blah blah blah.” There’s only two reasons why they do this: 1- They truly are that insecure. 2-They want compliments! Yummy yummy compliments! Who doesn’t?!
So there you have it! The start of the list! Within the next week I will be frequently adding to it, so stay tuned. ALSO, ladies if you’re out there, send me your questions to be answered at firstname.lastname@example.org or follow My Twitter and send them there! Of course, only if your question is good enough for my blog, I’ll post it. And make sure your girlfriends read up on Alessandra Speaks, too!
As for the men, this post just isn’t for you. I’m so sorry…nah, I’m over it.
-Alessandra (the all-knowing)