May | 2010 | Alessandra Speaks

29 May 2010 Comments Off

After consulting with many of my female friends and family, I have compiled a list of questions us women have had in 2010. The very questions that no one knows the answers to…well except me. And I’m telling it like it is, ladies!

Here we go:

Dear eyebrow hair, why do you grow everyday? That’s just biology.
Dear gym, why do you have huge windows so people can see me struggling on the treadmill? So that people walking by feel better about themselves.
Dear Spanx, why do you cost so much? Because Spanx knows that you’ll dish out the cash to be ‘controlled’
Dear chivalry, where did you go? Chivalry left us YEARS ago. It had somewhere else to be.
Dear Twiggy, why did you make skinny women popular? Because she was beautiful. Still a downer.
Dear Jennifer Hudson and America Ferreira, why did you lose weight and leave your chubby followers behind? Because they have money for a trainer now.
Dear Half Baked ice cream, when did you replace depression meds? Well, I’m just happy about this one. No further comments.
Dear vocals, why do you sound so awful if I LOVE to sing? (was this too specific to myself? oops.)
Dear awesome jobs, why don’t you like my resume? Because your resume sucks.
Dear shoe fund, why don’t you expand? Because you keep spending it on shoes.
Dear dark under-eye circles, how much sleep is necessary for you to go away!? 10 years.
Dear Sex and the City, why can’t you be my life? Because you are not 50 years old with lots of money. Nor do you live in NYC.
Dear Twilight, how did you get me hooked on you when you were written for 14-year-olds? Um, because vampires are kick-ass! Oh, and so are werewolves.(Team Jacob)
Submitted by Aunyx: Dear Alessandra, why don’t Applebottoms carry plus sizes? Because they can’t handle us. Technically they carry up to 14, which is a plus size, but as a 16, that doesn’t help me much. Shop Torrid or a DEB Plus.
Submitted by Julie: Dear Alessandra, why is it that when guys want to lose weight, a 4-pack appears within 2 months? Life is unfair and gave men a better metabolism. Just another clue that God wanted women to be thick.
Submitted by Lindsey: Dear thin girls, why do you think fat girls want to hear about your “weight issues”? This happens ALL THE TIME! My thin friends are always blabbing, “Oh my God, I’m so huge..blah blah blah.” There’s only two reasons why they do this: 1- They truly are that insecure. 2-They want compliments! Yummy yummy compliments! Who doesn’t?!

So there you have it! The start of the list! Within the next week I will be frequently adding to it, so stay tuned. ALSO, ladies if you’re out there, send me your questions to be answered at alessandraspeaks@aim.com or follow My Twitter and send them there! Of course, only if your question is good enough for my blog, I’ll post it. And make sure your girlfriends read up on Alessandra Speaks, too!

As for the men, this post just isn’t for you. I’m so sorry…nah, I’m over it.

-Alessandra (the all-knowing)

Judge Alessandra presiding

18 May 2010 Comments Off

So after you clear away the party-goers of the night and take the beer bottles and chip crumbs off the table, what you have left are the real moments in life.

I found myself sitting at my kitchen table with my neighbor/non-blood-related brother, Joe, and my good friend Will after all of the people of the pictionary tournament left to sleep, eat or stalk the night. If I could hover up above us in a bubble looking down, I would see Joe, a shaggy-haired college kid dressed head to toe in Abercrombie with a slow “yeahhhhh dude” surfer voice. And I’d see Will, who stands tall at 6 foot 5 and sits at 5 foot 3. His dreads hanging down to his mid-chest and his long hands resting on his knees. And then there’s me, the slightly chubby, petite and curly-haired girl laughing at nothing because it’s 4am.

The three of us, as different as different can be, are sitting at my kitchen table talking for hours about the existence of God and the kind of people we’d marry. Or how Joe, who is a life guard at the YMCA, wants to be a lawyer! And Will in his silent intelligence sits back observing and listening to Joe’s hilarious nonsense about how his wife will be “siiiiick” and “she’ll be like me and never want to fight.” I noticed that Joe, a young good-looking kid, didn’t bring up looks or physical attributes into his wife’s description at all. Kudos, Joe.

Now, if you saw a college kid, who looks like a frat boy, sitting next to a kid with dreads and laughing every 5 seconds talking about God and politics at 4 in the morning, you would most likely assume drugs are involved. And that’s the great part…no drugs were involved. Nor are they ever. Which leads me to my point today:

Never judge a book by its cover. I do it well and I do it all the time, but you truly never know. Actually, judging people is probably the most organic, natural and fun thing in the world! When I saw the girl with the hack-job wannabe Rihanna hair cut at iHop who kept saying “yous should have the special” and “yous would really like da lemonade” I thought…this girl is deranged and uneducated. Which, actually might be true, BUT turns out she was the best service we’ve ever had! And when I saw the dominatrix twins in 6 inch heels walk into a Babies R Us at 12pm on a Sunday, they were not in fact on their way to a baby-themed strip club, but going to a baby shower. How did I mess that one up?!

Oh, my good and loyal readers, have fun with your obnoxious judging and do it light-heartedly because judging will never stop or go away! Just remember that fun is all it is and the content of your judging is almost always severely skewed. So have your Joe and Will moment at 4am! Or your Rihanna working at iHop jokes. Just be ready to take your own judgments as well. Because yous are judged too. So hate on haters! We need you.

In the words of Katt Williams, “If you got no one to hate on, feel free to hate on me!”

Over and out,

Alessandra

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